Mamma’s Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Bullies

Kids can be jerks. So can teenagers. Unfortunately, so can adults.

On my walk tonight, I encountered a crew of three teen boys at the park. I’m acquainted with one of them, but didn’t know the other two. All three had a great time laughing and pointing at me as I walked by. Mocking my lack of breasts and not hiding it at all. I quickly took off my headphones so I could confront them, but they just kept laughing.

I took the time to evaluate my “situation” to be sure my body was covered and that I hadn’t accidentally left a butt cheek out or something. Nope. I was covered.

While I was embarrassed, mad, hurt and all that, I thought about the other people these little a$$holes have done this to, and how they are potentially affecting another teenager in the same way they affected me today.

For now, I’ll concentrate on growing out my MN flow.

Cramming for Summer

I’ve got 21 days left before surgery. Every single day is filled with preparation of some sort. Purging in the house, finalizing projects (our washing machine, oven AND lawn mower died this week 😩), preparing the kiddos…

We finally talked to the kids last night about the upcoming surgery and recovery. I sat at the kitchen table with the two littles and couldn’t get a sentence out without A welling up with tears and crying (she has a LOT of anxiety surrounding change and her mom’s health). We had to stop the conversation and let her know that I was ok, the cancer is gone and this is the last phase of recovery. She eventually calmed down enough to prepare her (and him) for the plan for them while I’m in the hospital…. (insert more tears and hugs here).

I explained that I would be in the hospital for at least 3 days, maybe more and that Dad would be working so that they get to have fun with Grandma and Grandpa for that time. More. Tears (really, she does NOT do well with change!).

I’m living life to the fullest these days. I feel almost “normal” but still am very tired by the end of the day. I’m able to run for about 4 Miles outdoors before having to stop and walk. We have my FAVORITE camping trip of the year coming up this weekend.

Life is great. I can’t wait for this all to be over and to have something up top again ☺️

Countdown

I will always wonder what this story will sound like from the perspective of my children. Will they remember the ups? How about the downs? Will it overshadow all of the great memories that we’ve created?

I remember when I was young, maybe 12 or so and my dad was diagnosed with a genetic autoimmune disease. I remember the stress this caused on my family and the genetic testing that me and my siblings had. I remember not really understanding everything, but watching my dad have a nurse come to our home once per month to give my dad infusions that would last for hours and hours. I remember being scared and hoping that my dad would be ok. My dad. The man who always worked so hard. The man who played catch with me and let me work on cars with him.

Is this how my kids will remember the past year? Will they remember my port? How about shaving my head and watching me cry my heart out over and over? They have been through so much in their short lives, I can only hope that I’ve been the best I could be.

When I look back, I remember my mom and her steadfast love. She kept us all grounded and loved us with all her might. I can only hope that I have been half the Mom, wife and woman my mom has been.

#27daysandcounting

Summertime, and the Livin’s Easy

Summer begins a little early for me this year. Tonight marks our first camping weekend of the season! Just after I walk my graduating class through commencement ☺️.

We look forward to this weekend every year, and this year especially, we are going to live it up. I’m solo parenting ( kinda) this weekend as my husband stays back to put our house back together. We have a sweat equity project that should be done this weekend, but I honestly don’t think I can live in disarray for a second longer. It’s been 8 days. I can’t.

We have three consecutive weekends of camping planned, then we will take one off just before surgery so I can get all my shit together. Don’t worry, we have a house sitter, too, so it won’t be empty.

Last year at this time, we were frantically getting ready for Kayla’s graduation day and party. I hadn’t know yet that I had cancer or that the uninvited replication was already invading too much space in my body.

I will have reconstruction exactly FIVE DAYS to the year of my diagnosis. It hasn’t even been a year!!!

Here are the things I will miss about this process:

*Not wearing a bra. (If you have ever had to wear one, you’ll understand).

*Not having to shave. At all. Anywhere.

*Not having a blanket excuse to completely mentally check-out for a period of time.

*Not having to do my hair. (Again. Bald).

*Writing whenever I could, without any filter, which will likely look a LOT like oversharing at this point 😉

I continue to watch my hair grow and grow and grow. Right now, it’s perfect camping length.

The Lion, the B*tch and the Wardrobe malfunction

I’ve gotten pretty comfortable in my current daily routine. Although with spring here, it’s about to change. I’ll adapt. It’ll be fine.

I’ve been able to walk outside almost every single day. Hitting my step goal (man, I feel old), getting fresh air, cleaning out the funk of winter… This year though, the funk just isn’t shaking.

It’s no secret to my friends and family that I have struggled with depression for many years. I’d found a drug after having my kids that seemed to work pretty well. It kept my obsessive behaviors at bay ( kind of), limited my anxiety and overall allowed me to lead a normal-ish life that I was comfortable with.

Then, well, cancer. Now my antidepressant that I had been taking for years can NOT be taken with my anti-cancer drugs. The side effects of which are:

Commonly reported side effects of (my specific anti-cancer drug) include: amenorrhea, fluid retention, hot flash, nausea, vaginal discharge, vaginal hemorrhage, weight loss, and skin changes. Other side effects include: infection, sepsis, alopecia, constipation, cough, diarrhea, edema, increased serum aspartate aminotransferase, infrequent uterine bleeding, menstrual disease, ostealgia, vomiting, and weight gain.

Those are an abbreviated version, and really, a good percentage of them I am dealing with. Keep in mind that I am in medically induced menopause, so all of this seems compounded times a billion.

For example, I try to run at the gym. I have scar tissue on my right lung which I’m trying desperately to push through, but I also have fluid retention and a persistent cough that leads me to feel like I’m dying.

On top of this, I can’t continue to wear big bulky sweatshirts to hide my lack of breasts.

My recent google searches include:

“What to wear to cover lack of breasts”

“DIEP flap before and after”

“Depression and cancer”

“When will I feel normal again after DIEP flap surgery”

“Am I having a heart attack or an anxiety attack”

“When will people stop looking at me like I’m sick after cancer”

“Will will my teenager want to be in my life”

And so on. You get the picture.

Life is a struggle right now, even with all of the support. I’m doing my best to stand proud in a tank top when I’m out and about, but gosh, I can’t wait for June.