I’ve gotten pretty comfortable in my current daily routine. Although with spring here, it’s about to change. I’ll adapt. It’ll be fine.
I’ve been able to walk outside almost every single day. Hitting my step goal (man, I feel old), getting fresh air, cleaning out the funk of winter… This year though, the funk just isn’t shaking.
It’s no secret to my friends and family that I have struggled with depression for many years. I’d found a drug after having my kids that seemed to work pretty well. It kept my obsessive behaviors at bay ( kind of), limited my anxiety and overall allowed me to lead a normal-ish life that I was comfortable with.
Then, well, cancer. Now my antidepressant that I had been taking for years can NOT be taken with my anti-cancer drugs. The side effects of which are:
Commonly reported side effects of (my specific anti-cancer drug) include: amenorrhea, fluid retention, hot flash, nausea, vaginal discharge, vaginal hemorrhage, weight loss, and skin changes. Other side effects include: infection, sepsis, alopecia, constipation, cough, diarrhea, edema, increased serum aspartate aminotransferase, infrequent uterine bleeding, menstrual disease, ostealgia, vomiting, and weight gain.
Those are an abbreviated version, and really, a good percentage of them I am dealing with. Keep in mind that I am in medically induced menopause, so all of this seems compounded times a billion.
For example, I try to run at the gym. I have scar tissue on my right lung which I’m trying desperately to push through, but I also have fluid retention and a persistent cough that leads me to feel like I’m dying.
On top of this, I can’t continue to wear big bulky sweatshirts to hide my lack of breasts.
My recent google searches include:
“What to wear to cover lack of breasts”
“DIEP flap before and after”
“Depression and cancer”
“When will I feel normal again after DIEP flap surgery”
“Am I having a heart attack or an anxiety attack”
“When will people stop looking at me like I’m sick after cancer”
“Will will my teenager want to be in my life”
And so on. You get the picture.
Life is a struggle right now, even with all of the support. I’m doing my best to stand proud in a tank top when I’m out and about, but gosh, I can’t wait for June.