In less than a month I’ll begin the last year of my 30s. A year ago, I didn’t think I’d be able to celebrate any more birthdays. It’s not that I was pessimistic about my outcome, I just wanted to stay realistic. I wanted to be able to call off treatments on my own terms and accept my fate while living my best life with what I had left.
Believe it or not, I had a plan. At this point I don’t think I need to share what that plan was, but I was ready. Being diagnosed with stage III cancer forced me to be ready for what was to come. Six months ago, we talked about what I wanted after death. What kind of a memorial service I thought would be fun for those that needed a service. There had to be music. Lots and lots of music. And wine. Lots of that, too. No open caskets, no weird speeches, just stories about great times and fond memories.
I’ve really tried to lead a good life. Especially these last few years. I’ve been able to travel with my husband and vacation with my kids. I’ve seen the beach in the dead of Minnesota winter and I am so grateful for all of it.
Some days I wake up and want to pinch myself. I have no less than 10 appointments coming up and still can’t believe my life.
I get to wake up and go to a job that I love with people that care about me.
I have my kids who have STOPPED worrying when they hug me that I might get hurt. I get to hear their voices tell me they love me every day.
I have such amazing friends and family who supported me and believed in me…. sometimes it’s a little bit overwhelming.
It feels strange to be worrying about my outward appearance. The scars that I carry tell a story, yes, but they also leave a little bit of a hole in my confidence.
I have one more surgery left before this part of my journey is complete. It’s an easy one in comparison. Just some scar revision and evening things out a little bit. Then I have to decide what to do about these breasts. Right now, they’re a blank canvas. It might be a little too personal, but I don’t know what to do with them. Do I put a beautiful design on them or just go for the 3-D nipple tattooing? I don’t know… I guess I’ll have to figure it out when the time comes.