Well, if you’re in Minnesota, you have surely been to the grocery store and stocked up on all of your hotdish ingredients since we’re about to be snowed-in like Pa in Little House on the Prarie. Hopefully you remembered the list of stuff you were supposed to get, or have a good memory. Milk, eggs, butter. You better buy it all because who knows when the next time is that we can actually leave the house. I hope you tied a rope from your car to the store so you can find it when you come back out (😩😩😩). I really, really, REALLY hate winter.
I still can’t believe how much has changed since last year. At this time, I was just starting to get my hair back and was at daily radiation appointments. Aside from all that, it was winter. As I sit in the living room, listening to the wind whip and snow fall like crazy, I remember where my head was at and what I used to think to myself when I would lay still in the radiation machine. I was occupied with thoughts of surviving cancer and imagining the machine destroying the remaining cells that were in my chest. Praying to God that I would make it through (there was a lot of begging, promises and heartache in those prayers), and aiming to be alive for at least another 37 years.
Now? Now I sit on the other side of radiation and chemo, and the thought of ever having to do it again, scares the living $hit out of me. For real. I can’t even fathom being able to make that decision.
It’s unreal how much perception influences my thoughts. Last year I just wanted to survive. I woke up every morning with the list of cancer rules I had to follow. Using every single ounce of energy just to move. I remember the pattern that I had been accustomed to when going through chemo was all shot to hell. With chemo, I knew I could rely on about 5 days of feeling like death, but knew that on that sixth day, I would be able to feel less weird (to put it mildly). Radiation was a completely different beast. I knew it started easy, but by the end I would be in pain, blistered, burned and raw.
Now? Here I am, wondering if I look good today, or if my jeans fit ok. I went grocery shopping and got to listen to podcasts the. whole. time. I worked out for a good hard hour and ate leftovers for lunch. I spent all afternoon baking, rolling and creating in the kitchen while I sang and danced away at whatever was playing in my headphones. I put makeup on and tried something new with my hair. MY HAIR! I can’t believe how much perception can change my life.
The only thing that remains constant from last year to now? I still. hate. winter.