Where were you 2 years ago? In your life goals, family goals, love life, financial situation…. I know where I was. I had just started chemotherapy and just started to kill my DNA in order to stop the cancer from spreading further. At that point, I had only known for a month that I had cancer. I had only known for a couple of weeks that it was metastatic and had started to invade the rest of my body. I guess I’ve always been an overachiever.
Fast-forward to today. I never thought I’d be here. I never thought I’d be sitting on the bench at the gym mid-workout writing down my feelings and terrified of the next few years. For once in my life, I wish I was sitting here thinking about my life goals, family goals, financial situation, but not today.
Today I’m taking a day to remember how I felt. Validate those feelings and breathe easier knowing that no matter what, I’m doing my best 99.9% of the time. The .01% that I’m not at my best, I mean, well, no one is perfect 😂.
Where will I be in 2 years? What is to come for my future? Will I get hit by a car/truck/bus on a beautiful Minnesota summer day or will I live to a ripe old age of 99 (dear Lord, please take me before I’m 99. Amen.). Will it be cancer that takes me?
Do any of us really want to know?
One of my favorite songs is Vampires, by Jason Isbell, one of my all-time favorite singer/songwriters. It goes like this:
Maybe time running out is a gift
I’ll work hard ’til the end of my shift
And give you every second I can find
And hope it isn’t me who’s left behind
I love that song. I believe I’ve referenced it before. When I need a good cry and need to remember to step back and thank God that I’m still here, it’s my go-to.
Music fills my heart and soul. It’s how I used to get my kids to do things around the house. We’d sing like princes and princesses at the top of our lungs. For the record, I can sing on pitch very well, I can hear sharps and flats instantly, I can read music and play my trumpet beautifully. But there’s no chance that anyone would actually chose to hear any of it 😂. Also, I have a lot of anxiety surrounding what I look like when I play or perform. Playing the trumpet does not make for a graceful face, but I still love it.
Hitting the gym today, I chose NIN to listen to. It got me through and brought me back to those stupid fun days we had in high school.
Every day is a new one. I still have the chance to write more chapters to my story. I’m not ready for an epilogue.