Do you know what’s really, really hard? Everything. All of it. Every day. Eating, sleeping, parenting, working out, partnering, loving… Even though there is cancer, this is still real life.
I feel like I’m not allowed to have the normal thoughts and feelings like everyone else. Sometimes, when I’m pissed off, I don’t want to keep it in. I want to yell and scream and fight for my truth. But, why? In what way will that make a difference.
Something I’ve talked about before is the struggle with cancer and suicide. From the caregiver, the adult children, young children and the cancer patient. I can speak only from my perspective. Suicide is very fucking real. We are surrounded by it. On top of that, we have situational depression piled on top of constant changes to health and status within the cancer spectrum. Side effects never end. Pain, neuropathy, sight changes, taste changes, hearing changes, sexual changes, nausea, vomiting, weight loss, lethargy. That’s literally what I could rattle off in the time it took to type. Every single body, every single DNA is affected differently. Mine is different than yours type of thing. This means that doctors can’t predict with certainty what your side effects will be. So, suicide? Yeah. It’s very fucking real. Especially with the access to drugs as a cancer patient.
As a caregiver, it’s really easy to want to check out. I, myself, feel that way. Metaphorically, but it’s there.
This last weekend, we had an entire crew of loved ones give us the boost we’ve needed. We had Brad’s fundraiser last weekend and felt so loved when it was all said and done that thank you hardly feels like enough. We have the BEST neighbors and the BEST friends and family. For real.
We also had the epic treehouse/playhouse build of 2020. The progress is INSANE! So many people have lent us their skills and love to get it done for the kids. Y’all have no idea ( FYI I feel like I’m at the Emmy’s giving an acceptance speech and can’t forget that one person that helped). I am so grateful to all of you. You are teaching my children how important it is to be giving and kind. They will never forget this. Not ever. It will always be part of their story.
Whenever we have good days, we take advantage. During the treehouse build, day 1, Brad was in rare form. He had energy and was able to help a little on the treehouse/playhouse. By the end of the weekend, he was in bed for most of the day.
Brad had day 2/10 for this round of radiation therapy for his thoracic (middle) spine today. He’s having more and more rib bone pain and struggles to lay comfortably most days. I managed to fatten him up a little with all the delicious food he wants. He gets ice cream every day. Lucky guy. Speaking of food, we’ve had these angels coming over and dropping off food in the evenings. I’m not even sure how I was able to do this without them.
Tomorrow is another scan. If you’re the praying type, Brad could use a few.