I’ve spent the last couple of months figuring out this new life. I’ve also spent a good amount of time pondering regrets that I have. Mostly about my life with Brad. Maybe I shouldn’t have argued about that stupid thing, or stood my ground on that point, or made that purchase on something so frivolous instead of saving my money for things that matter.
This week, I broke down in a public setting. I did a little bit of yelling, a little bit of crying and a lot of very purposeful words. I. Was. Mad. Probably from the weight of it all. It’s incredibly difficult to know if I’m doing things right or really how bad the video games will end up being in the end.
What I can say with absolute conviction is that this last year and 1/2 has been completely exhausting. That’s about how long ago Brad became ill… when he began to stay home instead of going to Christmas or hockey tournaments. Just a few months before then, I was still healing from my cancer surgeries and reconstruction, so I still didn’t know normal before it all hit us again. Really, there has only been one summer since the summer of 2016 that wasn’t completely filled with cancer treatments or major surgical procedures for me and then Brad. It’s taken up so much of our lives that I’ve kind of forgotten what it’s like to have a little silence and pause. It’s very, very hard to get used to.
I’m thankful for kind people in my life. I’m thankful for meeting people like me so I don’t feel so alone. The most painful feeling I’ve ever had is feeling alone. I’m thankful for my friends and neighbors, I’m thankful for the people that helped me through this and forgave me for not wanting to show up (in so many ways). It’s those people that reminded me that I am still loved.
I miss hockey. I miss the busyness of life and how calming that all can be. I miss the hockey moms and the happy lunches/dinners/beers we’d spend having after games and during tourneys.
This year, with the help of some very special people, we have been able to give the kids a rink to skate on (after two attempts with the liner (I totally should have paid attention all of the previous years!!!!!!) it’s finally beautiful ice!). We have a warm and loving house that we have a ton of memories in. We had an AMAZING Christmas with The Best Christmas Ever (more about this later!) and some very dear friends that made it all happen.
This week, some of the people that helped make the rink even a possibility are going to come and celebrate in a socially distanced fashion on a hopefully beautiful Tuesday with some skating and fun. I can’t wait to thank them all. Such giving and loving people!
My scan and check up aways lands in January. This one makes me more nervous than any. I’m further away from my diagnosis and statistically, my odds are still not good. I thought by now I’d worry less about aches and pains, but just this week alone, I’ve had bone cancer (back ache), brain cancer (headache) and surely stage IV already. I hate these feelings.
Tomorrow, I will pass along some happiness. We all deserve a little Minnesota Nice.